apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
