There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
