i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
