I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
