turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
