Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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