According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
