i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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