We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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