were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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