did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
