The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
