True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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