did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
