i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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