You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
