if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
