he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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