My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Randomize
