I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
