I wanna bring you to show and tell
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
