I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
