I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
