I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
