He uses pillows to masturbate.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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