don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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