I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
