nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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