: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
