And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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