Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
