i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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