ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
