I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
