It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
