He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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