i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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