I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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