I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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