According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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