we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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