I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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