Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
