so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
