I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
