Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
