Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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