She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
