We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
