I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
