you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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